On Being Ill (in more ways than one)
There was a time when I was or 16-ish when falling sick was a sort of blessing.
I would feel absolutely terrible—stuffy nose, raw throat, perpetual fever patches—the whole works. The time I spent conscious was a lot less than I spent asleep and most of that conscious time I spent wishing I were actually asleep.
But time spent sick was time well spent on not studying.
As much as I am grateful for my education, the stress does catch up quickly. Especially when there’s a major examination at the end of the year and your whole future seems to be hinged on it. I used to spend long hours just burning my notes into my retinas and neglecting exercise just to squeeze in a bit more revision. At some point I think my mental health was so bad, on my birthday that year I got an unexpected amount of presents on my birthday and when I asked my friends why, they said I looked like I was really out of it that year. But even so, grades were incredibly important to me so I just kept studying.
So when studying became work, falling sick became a holiday.
It was my favourite excuse to not work. The relief I felt when I could just take a break instead of studying was amazing. I slept the most sound I did in months and I could just chill and do the things I loved but never seemed to have the time to do.
Right now I’m blowing into my nth tissue writing this (also part of the reason for my very delayed posting—I’m trying to reflect weekly!), and I’m starting to realise that maybe my attitude towards life back then was probably worse than my health.
I prioritised my studies and grades so much that I had to fall sick to be reminded that I was still human, that I had a life and will outside of my studies and striving to be the best. It was an unfortunate outlook that I had for so long that being a high achiever became part of my identity. The worst part was that it was mostly self-inflicted. My parents have been nothing but supportive and have never pressured me to be the best but it happened that I was the one holding myself to impossible standards.
That sense of achievement when I managed to be good at something followed by the accompanying sense of disappointment when I realised I could have done better was crushing. Major exams essentially sucked the will to learn out of my body and it’s taking a long while to normalise learning things for the sake of simply liking it.
Understanding that I can’t be the best all the time is something that I sometimes still grapple with but it’s something I’m determined to get over. That’s part of the reason I’m trying to keep this blog and other mundane habits in my life :) I want to work towards living an average life to make up for the time when I thought I had to be so much more. As for those of you who are grappling with the same illness, we’ll get well soon for sure.
Here’s to averageness!